Make a Connection First and Everything Else Will Follow

Welcome back to ThreeFiftyMainStreet! Like last year I will post at least once a month and the posts will be short professional development sessions for you to read and think about. You will earn 1 hour of PD credit if you read the post and leave a response. This month’s post has to do with “Making Relationships with Kids” I spoke briefly about this during our first faculty meeting. So let’s get the conversation going with this first post. 

PURPOSE

We are a week or so into the new school year. How many kids have you “connected with?” How many kids have you started a random conversation with to set the groundwork for some type of relationship as the year progresses? Every moment spent with someone either strengthens or diminishes relationships.  We all deal with a lot of different kids with a lot of different backgrounds and they all have different motivations for doing what they do. One size does not fit all when dealing with children and we know this to be true when talking about instruction but it just as true when talking about fostering relationships. In fact, I would say that it is even truer given the age of our students and the fact that they are skeptical of adults by default. 

What we tend to forget is that the work on the front end makes our jobs easier. The efficiency with which you can deliver instruction and deal with the crisis in the classroom is directly related to the type of relationships you foster with your students. There are not many “returns on your investment” that are better than that in education. In fact, taking the time to establish a connection with a student will pay you dividends long after that student is out of your class and whether or not that students forget about your subject matter and never thinks about the content of your class again, he or she will absolutely remember you as someone who took the time to make a connection. 

INSERVICE

Full credit goes to Chase Mielke, author of "What Students Really Need to Hear,” but here are four tips for building relationships with your students. 

1. Make first impressions count.

For students who don’t like school, our first impression is already fighting a negativity bias. Our opening moments with students, therefore, matter a great deal. I’ve learned the following first-impression trifecta for connecting with new students:

• Shake hands with everyone. Even though students give odd looks, making the effort to shake hands with each person shows a willingness to connect on a personal level. It also gives me an initial read on their receptiveness and personality.
• Give respect. Showing students—explicitly and implicitly—that we respect them is key. Many students today don’t give respect without getting it first. (We can complain all we want about that shift in culture, but that won’t get us anywhere). It is my job to be the bigger adult and model giving respect.
• Lead with positive emotion. As a speaker, I know that the first few minutes of any talk should be building rapport, using humor, and learning about the listeners. I also know that my resume means nothing to kids—they care more about my authenticity than my accolades. My goal as a speaker is to get as many smiles as I can in the first 30 seconds.

Bringing it into the classroom:

Every day, every lesson, begin by building connections before getting into content. For example:

• Provide sincere gratitude that they made the choice to show up to class today.
• Do something playful, like asking for random facts or corny jokes.
• Do a quick round of “speed dating” in which they talk to a peer about a random question you pose.

2. Know who’s a “cat” and who’s a “dog.”

 Using “cats and dogs” as an analogy to consider interactions with different personalities. It is not meant to stereotype students; it is simply a starting point for being more intentional with our efforts

• Traits of “Dog” personalities: Forgiving of errors, value attention, responsive to praise, social, playful, expressive facial expressions
• Traits of “Cat” personalities: Skeptical, observant, warm up to others on own terms, loyal when trust is established, neutral facial expressions when around groups, not as responsive to praise or overt positivity

Bringing it into the classroom:

Take a moment to consider whether a certain student seems more like a cat or a dog. Then, experiment with these approaches:

Strategies for Dog Personalities

• Provide opportunities for dogs to model, demonstrate, or share whole-group whenever possible.
• Think quality of positive interactions over quantity, such as a longer, positive conversation one-on-one.
• Ask them questions to give them a chance to share about their world, their interests, their expertise.
• If behavior needs to be managed, opt for one-on-one pre-briefing or after class conversations.

Strategies for Cat Personalities

• Give quick, low-key compliments but don’t linger for a response.
• Ask him/her for thoughts in one-on-one situations.
• Use written or after-class praise instead of public praise.
• Think quantity of positive interactions over quality, but space out interactions over time.
•  Be particularly attentive and curious when a cat does approach you or open up.

3. Making time for non-academic conversations

Every moment either strengthens relationships or diminishes relationships. As a speaker, if I only have 8 hours at a school, I need to utilize every second, no matter how much I want to check-out during my downtime. I eat lunch with students. Between sessions, I ask them about their school, community, and hobbies. I ask them to teach me things, like how to do a trending dance or about the video games they play. Every interaction I have is through the lens of, “How am I strengthening a relationship?”

Bringing it into the classroom:

As we teach the whole period, it can be challenging to find time for non-academic discourse. However, even a 30-second interaction can build relationships. Give yourself a simple goal: Learn one new thing about a student each day. Start be being more intentional with your questions. Rather than “How is your day?” or “How’s it going?” ask:

• What is something I don’t know about you?
• What’s been the highlight of your week?
• I noticed you ________, tell me more about that.

4. Assume nothing, learn everything.

Just as students are sizing me up as a speaker, I am sizing them up as people. I use basic categories, like “cat or dog personality” as a starting point for interaction; however, I’ve learned to never make sweeping assumptions about students. And I’ve seen interesting things in my travels, such as students spitting on floors, a kid asking me to fight, and major meltdowns just to name a few. As much as I want to assume certain things about these kids I know one thing: Every reaction is a symptom, not a cause.

Doctors know to investigate symptoms to understand causes. Teachers must do the same. No matter how many versions of a “type” of student I’ve seen, each life is different. Out of all the rapport-building strategies I’ve learned, one encompasses them all: Curiosity.

Bringing it into the classroom:

Try what I call “obser-questions.” The obser-question involves describing an observation but following up with a question to learn more. They work best in one-on-one conversations. And, remember that vocal tone can make or break the interaction: Make sure your vocals display true curiosity rather than judgment or condemnation. Examples:

• I noticed you slam your books on the desk when you walked in. What was on your mind?
• You seem to pay attention really well, but when I ask you to work independently, you talk more than work. Help me understand why that is.
• I’m noticing you’ve written words all over your arm, including the F-word, big and bold. Talk to me about that a little bit.

IMPLEMENTATION 

This part is easy. Use the strategies above or use anything else you are comfortable with and make some connections with kids. Post about your experience below to receive an hour of PD to record in your summative paperwork. 

As always, thanks for reading!